I feel like I am a bit everywhere of late. I am uninspired and quite frankly I am quite dull. This is not such a negative thing because when I am like this, I usually dig deep and find some great thing that I didn't know exsisted within myself. Who ever would have thought that I would find the worlds environmental issues were a passion of mine. It is and I found that out about myself when I was isolated with an illness.
So what will I discover this time? When I dream, I see a romantic scene of a girl with a note pad sitting under her favourate tree ( has to be a willow tree ♥) writing a story, any story it doesn't matter what about. It makes her happy and careefree. She can sit in stillness and let the words pour onto the page. Magical. Do I want to write a book? Doesn't everyone?
I am also in a muddle, unsure if I have been a good enough provider for my kids. Do I know what size clothes they wear or when they are due for new shoes. Do I know their favourate colours. Do I know what they dream about and wish for. I want to be the one who gives them a delightful meal with all the goodness and nutritional value. I want to be sure of their warmth at night and that they are tucked in tight. When I stand with them in the bathroom I want to encourage a great routine to ensure they are clean and well groomed. I want to walk them to their classroom and be sure they are safely in the hands of their teachers. I want to show them that they are valued and appreciated for who they are and the individual people they have formed beautifully into. I don't want to smother, just be a provider and be of guidance, be switched on to their needs. I feel sometimes I am judged about not being all of this. Its not what I want. I may seem lazy but there isnt anything I wouldnt give to be right by their side and instinctively knowing, what they need and I can tend to it pronto. I want this more than life itself. But it is what it is and I can't be angry anymore for not being able to be the mother I want to be. I just need to be the mum they remember who always had a smile on her face, not a frown. I love them so much bless their souls forever.