Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just sitting out

I always seem to lift myself from the slum and nudge myself to a more acceptable social demeanor.
No one likes to be around a person that mopes, do they?

I manage to get inspired somehow. Sometimes its my family that make me smile, at least for a while. Oh that rhymed hehe. I read, read and read to get inspired. In fact i am so busy reading, listening and watching that i feel i am not participating, I'm just an observer. Maybe that is why i feel misery because i am building such a high expectation of the way my life should be, based on how others live their life, i am feeling like a failure.

I am watching people that can participate in life. Even if its participation which they would rather not participate in. My kids would probably prefer not to attend school, I am envious of them, it would be nice to be a child again and just really soak up the fun in the school yard. My hubby would rather not be going to work each day, what i wouldn't give to have some responsibility again. Which brings me to dependence.

That is what life has become, depending on others to do my part of participating. Even if its just picking up some items from the grocery store, i would like to just get up and go and pick them up for myself. Not a big deal but something as simple as that would make me quite satisfied.

In a nutshell, i think i have conjured up some pretty high expectation of what i want my life to be like and i let myself down when i look at my reality. I have difficulty with the idea of having to depend on others all the time. I am not participating in life as much as what i could be. I have still got abilities but i am choosing not to concentrate on them, why? I wonder if i am comfortable in my misery and i wonder if i am too lazy to put in the effort. That's what it takes, doesn't it? Effort. *sigh* I just can't find the energy.
But.....like i said, i always find a way to find my facade to make others believe i am fun to be around. You never know one day i might believe it myself!!

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